Rough Times for TBW's

Tyler Savage
Life was completely different a month ago; life for a beat writer was good. The Twins were in first place, and when the good times roll, everybody wants to be your friend. The Twins beat writer’s office was a different place back then. Guest stars like Jay-Z* were common, and I really don’t know how we cleaned up after that mid-day foam party that spontaneously broke out after the afternoon break.

With every loss, the crowds diminished from the office, and before I knew it the bubble had burst, and I was on a flight home from Hollywood after covering the American Gladiators. I had to take the side job to pay the bills and make ends meet; with each Twin’s loss, my job was in danger. Nothing prepared me for the sight I saw today when I got back to the office.

Jensen was not looking good in his office (Dave won the only office due to a lucky hand in cribbage). As I walked down his office hall, I was worried when I did not see him at his desk. I was about to walk past his door and to my cubical when I heard a consistent thumping sound coming from in his office. As I approached the desk I saw Dave with a two-week beard, sitting on the floor by his chair, his arms were wrapped around his knees, and he was rocking back and forth mumbling to himself. The thumping was coming from his head bumping the wall with each rock he took. As I approached I could hear what he was mumbling.

“Johan will come, Johan will come,” was all that was coming out of his mouth. It sounded like a record that was skipping. At first I tried to snap him out of his catatonic state, but then I took the opportunity to take back my Born in the USA CD.

As I exited Dave’s office, I walked by Scotty’s cubical, and a deep remorse hit me. While Scotty was in Venezuela we had been “cleaning” his office for his return. Currently, all of his things were glued to the ceiling. I soon realized that if the Twins didn’t start winning soon, we would never make Scotty’s ransom, and he would never get to see these great pranks.

As I weaseled into my cubical, I was finally able to let out a sigh of relief; I had to sneak past intern Sam’s janitor’s closet so that he wouldn’t hassle me about publishing his writing. I had made it, but I had my mace ready incase of emergency.

As I checked my voice mail, I became worried—my editor had called saying that we needed to talk soon! The end was looking near. For the rest of the day, I filled out job applications and prayed for a Twin’s win tonight in Milwaukee. After finishing my applications for The Price is Right host, and for the Commissioner of Major League Baseball I realized that life at another job may not be horrible, but this job has been a dream come true. I decided to wait until tomorrow to call the editor—GO TWINS!!!

To Be Continued…

*At this place in the story, I wanted to place the name of the hottest/coolest new celebrity, I realized that I do not know who is cool anymore though….sorry.

Gladiator's Beatwriter

TS
The Twins gave up a nine spot before the 5th inning; we may be close to rock bottom.
Due to the slow start, editors have sent me to the lovely Universal Studios in Hollywood to cover The American Gladiators (ESPN Classic, 6PM, M-F).
Tonight, Nitro showed why he was brought back for a third season on Gladiators. I don't care if he is making 15 million a year, what he does on the wall is worth every dime. This season, Gemni appears to have lost a step on the joust, I fear that we may need to send him down to Sea World per assignment. We have also gotten a surprising quick start from rookie Turbo; in the human cannonball he is made of steel.
All-in-all, I am very pleased with how the gladiators are preforming, the contestants are showing some feeble efforts so far. However, gladiators are made after the quarter finals, we'll see where we are at the end of next week.
Tyler Savage, signing off from Hollywood, for all of us at Twins beatwriters, praying that the Twins will find their mojo.

It's Not Easy Being Morbidly Obese

Or Goodbye Cheeseburgers in the Clubhouse
By David Jensen

You heard it here first!
Rest easy Twins fans. Our long nightmare is over. Sidney Ponson is gone! After a month and a half of watching Moe Green turn into an over-basted Butterball Turkey on the mound, management has seen enough. Terry Ryan has no more use for him now that the Twins have no more games with the Devil Rays. Minnesota graciously offered him a spot in AAA Rochester’s bullpen, but somehow Ponson felt that this was beneath him.

Taking Ponson’s roster spot will be Garrett Jones. Jones hit .305 with 5 home runs and 23 RBIs in Rochester. I didn’t expect Ponson to be cut for another week or two when Baker or Garza would be ready for the show.

So the fat load will be taking his 6.93 ERA and his mustard-stained jersey home to Fort Lauderdale to wait by the phone. Good luck with that, Moe. See you in the funny pages Ponson. Don’t let the door hit you on the ass on the way out.

A Reason to Watch

By David Jensen
On April 10^th, Torii Hunter went 0-2 against the New York Yankees. On May 10^th, White Sox pitchers left him hitless in four at-bats. In between, Hunter engaged in one of the most captivating things in sports: a hitting streak.

Joe DiMaggio’s 56 game hitting streak stands as arguably the most daunting feat in baseball history. It is one of three records I believe will never be broken. To break it, a player must be at the top of his game for two months. A prolonged hitting streak takes an incredible amount of skill and luck. With all the little things that beat up ball players over the course of a season, it’s nearly impossible to be 100% everyday. And how often does a guy drill the ball all over the park only to go 0-4? Then sometimes a streak is continued with a slow roller that sneaks by the second baseman.

Hunter’s streak went 23 games, which is about the point when the national media will take notice. 23 games doesn’t seem like much considering he was still almost a week away from the Yankee Clipper’s halfway point, but it was an amazing accomplishment. Torri is a decent batsman, but not the kind of hitter who can keep a prolonged streak going. He has good speed, and when he’s hot, few Twins in recent memory can match him. But, unlike most players who reach the 20’s, he swings for the fences and strikes out too often.

Hunter’s streak is tied for fourth longest in Twins history. During the streak, he batted .373 with 15 extra-base hits and had 11 multi-hit games. He hit five home runs, 19 RBIs with a .660 slugging percentage. Remarkably, Hunter kept hitting despite more than the usual aches and pains. He missed two games after straining his shoulder during the sixth game of the streak. He was also hit in the face by a pitch then went 5-13 in the next three games.

Hunter is having the best offensive season of his career. He’s hitting .324 with 8 home runs and 29 RBIs. Without his production, the Twins would be even further back in the standings.

Now It Can be Told

Editor's Note: I planned to get this posted a week ago but I was feeling poorly. All stats are current as of April 30th. I am deeply sorry for depriving you of this world-class information.

By David Jensen

The first month of the season is in the books. It was a strange April for the Minnesota Twins. The good news: The Twins rank at or near the top of the American League in several categories, and are in second place in the central which is quickly shaping into the toughest division in baseball. The bad news: Several key players have been inconsistent and it just seems like the team should be doing better.

For starters, the Twins have stayed fairly healthy thus far. Mauer, Cuddyer, and Morneau have not been injured. Hunter has had several close calls. He missed two games with a strained shoulder, and somehow only needed stitches after taking a pitch to the face. Luis Castillo has missed 11 games already due to his aching legs. Jeff Cirillo and Rondell White played in two and three games respectively before heading to the DL within the first week of play.

Offensively, Minnesota is third in the league in hitting, with a .271 average. The Twins hit only 15 homeruns while their opponents slugged 31 off Minnesota pitching. Joe Mauer is first in the AL in batting average (.369), fourth in on base percentage (.465), and seventh in walks (15). Torii Hunter is off to a great start. Hitting at .326, he leads the AL in doubles with 13. He also is best on the team in total bases (56), RBI (18), stolen bases (4) and slugging percentage (.651). He is on pace for another 30 home run, 100 RBI season. Cuddyer is hitting .290 with 17 RBI and 11 extra base hits, but has struck out 21 times.

The results have been mixed with the part-timers. In 17 games, Jason Tyner is hitting .313 with nine runs scored. Mike Redmond is at .259. Not a strong average, but he’s come through in some big spots and has 10 RBI in 14 games. In 20 games, Jason Kubel is hitting .261, six doubles, 12 RBI and no home runs.

Offensively, the infielders have been a major area of concern. Jason Bartlett is hitting a meager .239, but he’s always been what you might call a “defensive shortstop” with lower expectations at the plate. On April 19^th, Nick Punto was hitting a woeful .143 with an OBP of .217. Since then, he’s hit .300 with an OBP of .391. Overall, he’s at .220 with more strikeouts than (11) than walks (10). Let’s hope he continues to heat up with the weather.

Overall, Justin Morneau had a good month. He has a .271 average, six homeruns, 50 total bases, 13 walks, 13 strikeouts and a .521 slugging percentage. His trouble has been his inconsistency. Here is a timeline of his April: 2^nd and 3^rd; 4-7, 1 homerun, two RBI. 4^th-10^th; 2-17 (.118), one homerun, three RBI, four strikeouts and 4 walks. 11^th-21^st; 14-40 (.350), two homeruns, seven RBI, seven extra base hits, one strikeout and five walks. 22^nd-29^th: 6-28 (.214), two homeruns, three RBI, six strikeouts and three walks. If the Twins want to succeed in the central, he’ll have to limit these slumps as the summer progresses.

Probably the biggest concern coming into the season was the starting rotation. Surprisingly enough, the top three have come through in fine style. Johan Santana went 3-2 with a 3.60 ERA. He leads the AL in strikeouts with 45 and is second in innings pitched at 40. He hasn’t always been sharp, but history shows that he doesn’t become unstoppable until about Memorial Day. Minnesota’s best starter in April was new acquisition Ramon Ortiz. Posting a 3-1 record with a 2.57 ERA, good for seventh in the AL, the veteran has become a solid number two.

It’s been a very encouraging month for Carlos Silva. He’s 2-1 with a 3.10 ERA. He hasn’t looked like Cy Young, but he does resemble the reliable number three form 2003-05. Averaging 5.2 innings per start, he hasn’t given up more than three runs in a game. He’s given the Twins a chance to win every game he’s started.

Following the likes of Juan Castro and Tony Batista as a veteran pickup who hasn’t produced is the loathsome and greasy Sidney Ponson. This latter-day Moe Green limped to a 1-3 record with an 8.44 ERA. He did not record a quality start* and pitched a full six innings only once.

As it has been for the last six years, the bullpen is among the league’s best. As a unit, they’re 5-3 with an ERA of 3.48 which is second in the AL. Juan Rincon led the bullpen with an ERA of 1.86. He went 1-0 with a .256 batting average against, six walks, 12 strikeouts and allowed a run in only one of his ten appearances. Pat Neshek posted a 2.25 ERA. The league hit just .140 off him while he struck out 12 and walked four. In 12 games, he gave up three runs, all on one swing by Raul Ibanez.

Matt Guerrier performed well in the middle innings. Opposing batters hit a mere .111 off Matt as he struck out seven and walked three. He pitched at least two innings in five of his ten appearances.

Joe Nathan is another player whose inconsistency is troubling. He has a very respectable 2.19 ERA, but has given up 16 hits in 12.1 innings. In 2006, he gave up just 38 hits in 68.1 innings. Last year, he wouldn’t give teams even a small chance to win. In April, he had four 1-2-3 innings and just one in a save situation. With a 1-1 record, he hasn’t collapsed often, but he is walking a very thin line.

In the field, the Twins are the class of the AL. They top the league in fielding percentage (.989), put outs (678) and fewest errors (11). Seven position players did not commit an error. Dorn has an astonishing six outfield assits.

Minnesota finished the month at 14-11, 7-7 at home, 7-4 on the road. The top four teams in the central are within 2.5 games of each other**. If Minnesota can play the quality baseball they’re capable of consistently, there’s no reason why they can’t hang around all summer.

*A quality start is defined by the low standards of 6 innings and 3 or fewer runs allowed.

**Won’t someone please help the poor Royals?

Devil Rays Series

-Quick Stat from D-Rays series: In a three game series, the Twins had 42 hits. They only scored 16 runs from these 42 hits--9 of which came in game 1.

-Other D-Ray news: Sadly, you can no longer shop for furniture at Tropicana Field.
Saddest News: We appear to be back in the 2005 season.

-Carols Silva Still making the Twins beatwriters look foolish.
-TS

Knicks Beat Writer

By Tyler Savage

So…the Twins have been so boring to watch in the last few weeks that it has come to this--I have actually started watching the NBA again tonight.

Why did I stop watching the NBA you might ask, well…I am a Knicks fan. Since I graduated from high school, we have been having some rough years, and we encountered a small bump in the road (Isaiah Thomas).

Sadly, the Knicks had a huge meltdown at the end of the year and we missed the playoffs again. However, there are still many enemies of the Knicks who made the playoffs that we need to rally against, let’s take a look at a few.

Out of the mix:

Indiana Pacers: Did not make playoffs (I think)
Rivalry History: The Knicks have met the Pacers in the Eastern Conference Semi Finals twice, and in the Eastern Conference Finals three times.
High Point: ’98, beating the Pacer’s in the Finals as a #8 seed.
Low Point: ’95, Ewing missing a lay-up at the buzzer to loose game 7! (Honorable mention: same year, Reggie Miller scoring 20 points in the last .08 seconds of game 1 of the series, and going in the stands and choke slamming Spike Lee [that's what I remember]).

Miami Heat: Lost to the Bulls!
Rivalry History: Late 90’s, met in the playoffs four times.
High Point: ’98, round one, Allen Houston buzzer beater from the free-throw line to win the series.
Low Point: ’97, loosing to the Heat in game 7 of the Eastern Conference Semis. The reason: we were looking ahead to the Bulls, Jordan was scared…

Still in mix: Cheer against!

Houston Rockets: Game 7 tonight against Utah
Rivalry History: Met once in the 1994 NBA Finals.
High Point: Leaving NY after game 5, up 3-2, John Starks is our savior
Low Point: John Starks game 7 (never recovered)

Chicago Bulls (biggest Foe of 90’s)
Rivalry History: Met 5 times in the Eastern Conference Playoffs in the 90’s
High Point: After years of hell, Jordan retires, and we take out the Bulls in 94
Low Point: TIE: Jordan dunking over Starks at the Garden/Jordan coming out of retirement

DAMN IT TWINS…GET IT TOGETHER!