Grandpa, What's a "Yes Man"?

It was only ten o'clock in the morning, but the pads were already sticking to our undershirts; the worst part was that our day had not even started yet. Technically, we hadn't started practice yet--we were doing our warm-up blocking drills with the cigar pads because…well… because coach told us to. It was the end of August--dog days--and we were in the middle of two-a-day practices, it was the year 2000, and it was my senior year of football. Stay with me, I promise this isn't going to turn into "glory days".

What happened next was a conversation that I will always remember. Our offensive line coach, Coach Shaw, pulled our center aside to have a man-to-man conversation with him. Our center was a 265 pound teddy bear, who had the manners of British Royalty. He was nice to everyone, and kind in all aspects of life. Sadly, this did not help his blocking, or his chances of being a starter during his senior season. To make matters worse, our defensive linemen were dirty dogs, with foul mouths, who strived to get in a cheep shot. Coach Shaw knew this, because he was the toughest and grittiest lineman of his time. He knew that in order for our center to get playing time, he had to find emotion, anger, and fire so that he could hate nose tackles of all shapes and sizes.

"Listen, I know that you are a good guy at school and outside of football," Coach Shaw began, "And I commend you on that…I really do. But out here, on the field, it's ok to hit people, it's okay to be an asshole. This is the only chance you get in life to be mean, and have it be a good thing."

It was obvious that Coach had been working on expressing his anger with his words--a giant step forward for someone who (without a helmet on) would head butt helmeted players. Polite as an old gentlemen our teddy bear center apologized to our coach for not being mean enough with a respectful smile on his face (I thought he was going to try to shake Coach's hand when they were finished). This past season, every time I saw Joe Mauer, Coach Shaw's speech would pop into my head. If it were up to me, Coach would be on the next flight to Saint Paul to give our starting catcher his motivational speech. Which got me thinking, can a player truly be great without an attitude?

Mauer is arguably the best all around baseball player in the game, and the Twins were somehow able to sign him to a long term deal. Mauer was a prodigy, it is well documented that his Grandpa began developing his hitting before he could barley walk; his Grandpa was the one who encouraged him to switch sides and become a left handed hitter. I can't help but wonder if his Grandpa was also training Joe on how to be a "yes man" during his developing years as well. Smile at the boss Joe, don't argue about anything, when you don't know what to do-smile and say nothing, just go with the bosses' plan Joe. Mauer has the physic and batting skills of an MVP, but he has the temperament and personality of a 40 something middle management accountant, who has no purpose for his company but to work, and happily go along with the management's plans. Joe would be perfect for the business world; any alpha-dog boss would want him on their right side to laugh at their jokes and make them look good. Mauer has the personality of someone who knows that he is stuck at a dead end job, and can't fight it. For 99.9% of men, this is an adaptation that we have had to painfully learn at our jobs in order to survive.

The problem is that Mauer has one of the only jobs where he doesn't have to be a "yes man". The adaptation doesn't make sense for him! He is a professional athlete, and if a sport's writer gets under his skin, it's ok to use name calling and intimidation. Torii Hunter threw a baseball at a picture for beaning him with a pitch; the consequence: he had to sit out a few games. If a lawyer throws a briefcase at work, he's in contempt. Albert Belle had a teammate climb through a ceiling to fall into the umpire's locker room in order to steal a confiscated corked bat. The consequence--nothing, the story is now told like a folk hero story (the only thing holding the story back is that Belle was the "Anti-Mauer" personality). If a construction worker pulls a stunt like this, it's tampering with evidence. Last year, Brandon Phillips of the Reds called the Cardinals a bunch of bitches in a press conference, all that came of it was an all out brawl in Saint Louis. If Mark, the data-analysis, calls his co-workers a bunch of bitches in angst--he's fired for harassment. Roger Clemens threw a piece of splintered bat at Mike Pizza, and said that he thought it was the ball. Assault with a deadly weapon (and he stayed in the game)!

These examples are not good things (except Hunter's), and I'm not saying I want Mauer to go postal. However, they prove a point--pros don't have to play by the common man's rules. What changes would I like to see? First, if Carlos Gomez is taunting at the plate, put a forearm in his throat instead of just staring at him. The next time Slowey shakes off the pitch sign six times, get in his face in the dugout. Lastly, if you get swept by the Yankees in the playoffs, instead of staring blankly into space, maybe it's time to start a small dugout tantrum (keyword small. This can be taken too far; Google: Carlos Zambrano or Milton Bradley). As Coach Shaw would say--" It's ok to be an asshole. This is the only place in life where you get to be mean." The biggest problem is that there is a very fine line between lack of emotion and lack of truly caring. Earl Weaver wasn't crazy--he just cared a whole lot.

A Letter to the Past

2/7/2011
Dear August Tyler,

I know that you have a lot of high hopes and excitement for the Vikings 2010 season. This message is from the future to warn you about the upcoming NFL season, technology is so fast these days that it can even go back in time. Tyler, please sit down before you read this…

There is no light way to put this, so I am just going to write one insanely long run-on sentence that would not please your high school composition teachers, here goes: (Long sigh) Brett Favre reports that he is not coming back, teammates fly down to Favre and beg him to come back, Favre comes back, Sidney Rice has to get hip surgery and is out first half of the season, Vikings lose to New Orleans, Vikings lose to the Dolphins, Brett Favre is suspected of sending pictures of his genitals to Jets employees (it's gonna get a little weird), Vikings keep losing, Vikings trade 3rd round pick for Randy Moss before the Green Bay game, Vikings lose to the Patriots, Randy Moss tells reporters that he is going to interview himself at press conferences, Randy Moss gets cut after three games (remember we gave up the third round pick),Percy Harvin has ongoing issues with migraines on a weekly basis, Favre has different injuries every week and is a constant game time decision, Brad Childress and Percy Harvin get into a shouting altercation that almost comes to blows in practice, Vikings get blown out by Packers at the dome, Childress gets fired, Frazier new interim coach, Bills knock Favre out of a game, Minneapolis gets huge snowstorm, dome collapses from the weight of the snow, dome tears apart from the weight of the snow, game gets canceled due to dome collapsing, home game vs. Giants moved to Detroit on a Monday night (you will not get to watch the game because it is blacked out in Sioux Falls), Brett Favre's streak ends in the home game in Detroit, Vikings play a Monday night game outdoors at TCF Field, Farve gets knocked out of the game with a concussion, Philly game gets postponed due to weather and is moved to a Tuesday night, Joe Webb starts a football game in Philly, Joe Webb beats the Eagles in Philly, Farve does not play in last game in Detroit (road game), Vikings lose final game to Detroit, Vikings finish 6-10, Vikings do not make the playoffs, Vikings finish last in the Central Division, Green Bay and Chicago Play in the NFC Championship, Green Bay beats Chicago, Green Bay wins the Super bowl.

Stranger than fiction, what a long strange trip it's been.

Sincerely,
February Tyler

Fan Is Short For Fanatic by Scottie Doucette

As Superbowl Sunday arrives, I awake with thoughts of chicken wings, mini hot dogs, and beer dancing in my head. A day more dear to Americans than most major holidays; a day filled with speculation, over analysis and the hyped up energy of rodeo bull on cocaine is now underway. To many people the Superbowl is more about the party and the experience than it is about football – you see, to the average person this day is no longer about the legend of Curly Lambeau and his trophy, but rather, an excuse to throw a party, overeat, and pass out on the couch after halftime. The debauchery and excitement surrounding this newly coined National Un-Holiday is undeniable, but it begs the question; what has become of the sports fanatic? With teams constantly changing cities, re-vamping logos, and whoring out their stadiums to the highest bidder it is no surprise to find that the culture of the American sports fan has changed. This isn’t to say that casual fans don’t have their place. Who else would indulge the kiss cam or leave in the third quarter so I can freely shuck peanut shells in their empty seat? Yes, even the casual fair weather fan has a place in my heart. And what about the die hard fanatic? The overweight, bare-chested buffoon adorned in team colored face paint and Mardi Gras beads? These are the guys who lead the charge. The guys that start chants. The guys that engage an entire stadium in the hearty booing of an opposing player. These are the guys that get on Sports Center. In today’s world the sports fan takes on many shapes. One is not better than the other, but they differ vastly in dedication, behavior, and attitude. Perhaps no better proof of this exists in modern day sports than the juxtaposition of two fan bases I know as well as any other. The rivalry between the Green Bay Packers and Minnesota Vikings is filled with passion and hatred and the fans of these two teams could not be more different.

Green Bay, Wisconsin. A small town of around 100,000 people. Littered with sports bars, factories, and one-story ramblers with Packers flags hoisted high at the end of the driveway. On Sundays Green Bay in nothing more than a ghost town. Gas stations are empty, sports bars are packed, and even the classiest steak house in town has an autographed Paul Hornung jersey hanging on the wall. The citizens of Green Bay abide by one simple rule: if you live here, you cheer for the Packers. A Packers fan would never speak poorly about a player - past or present - they are gods. They are treated like royalty and to criticize them for their faults or missteps is nothing short of treasonous. Packers fans unabashedly believe they are the best fans with the best team in the best city on Earth; just ask them.

Take a stroll through Lambeau field on game day and you’ll be blinded by the sea of green and gold. Deafened by cheers of Go Pack Go! And you’ll be more likely to hear polka music blaring from the P.A. speakers than to hear even the faintest negative whisper from the crowd about their beloved team. In a season when the Packers went 4-12, with the second worst record in the league, they still sold out every game and were fourth in revenue. This is because being a Packers fan is not a part time job or a hobby. It is more than a pastime or a fun way to spend Sundays. Being a Packers fan means you’ve made a lifetime commitment to the organization. Through good and bad, sickness and health, you will support the local squad with all of your heart. Never shall you betray, neglect, or denounce the team or its players. Being a Packers fan is not about football, it is about adopting a way of life. And I would argue that this level of passion for a sports team could be described as a mental illness. Packers fans might be the most obnoxious in all the land. But they definitely have some strong competition.

Change scene: Minneapolis, Minnesota. Bullwinkles bar. Monday, December 20, 2010. The Vikings were on their way to a 40-14 loss at the hands of Jay Cutler and the Chicago Bears. I was sitting with Chris Granberg, a Minnesota born native and self proclaimed “Vikings Fanatic.” The Bears went into halftime with a 17-7 lead. At this point, Chris was already miserable and slumping in his seat, beer in hand…..and then Devin Hester returned a punt 64 yards for a score……this is when the venom started spewing. “Man, these fucking Vikings!” Chris exclaimed. “When are they gonna get their shit together? I can’t watch this. I can’t. We might as well trade Adrian Peterson and let Ziggy move the team to L.A. We don’t need this shit show in town anymore.” Now, mind you, the Vikings were coming off a devastating NFC Championship game loss to the Saints and were in total free-fall mode by this point of the season; any Vikings fan would be understandably disgruntled. But lets dissect this passionate passage uttered by my dear friend Chris. In a matter of 45 seconds he suggested that he no longer cares to watch his favorite team and that they should trade their best player and permanently move to another city. This boldly negative viewpoint may sound extreme but in reality it is actually more representative of the Vikings fan base than the “Crying Blondes” or Ragnar himself. As passionate as Packers fans are about loving their team, Vikings fans are equally passionate about hating their team. Vikings fan believe, in their hearts, that they will never win a Superbowl and they are eternally bitter because of it. Being a Vikings fan is about more than football. Its about loving your team so much that it hurts; and being willing to hate your team as much as you love them. Does this mean Vikings fans are the most obnoxious in all the land? Maybe, but they are as much a part of what makes the Packers-Vikings rivalry exciting as any of the Lambeau legends or Viking greats.

The Packers and Vikings each have fans with passion and an appreciation for the history of the game. They both love to drink beer and yell and cheer for their team…..and in this writer’s opinion, they are both equally obnoxious. But it is their right as a fan to be as obnoxious and bold as they want to be. To the Packers fans: if you truly believe that Don Majkowski was a better quarterback than Dan Marino, then sing it from the mountaintops! And to the Vikings fans: if you can tell me with a straight face that you would actually pay money to have Gary Anderson assassinated, then so be it. There is no doubt that you can all be described, with no reservations, as true fanatics.

Fake Corpate Letter...

Dear Twinsbeatwriters.com,

The Twins are super excited to have you back in the saddle for another exciting five years! Your years of service through our lower popularity days helped continue to grow our huge fan base, we are excited to talk to you about some changes that we have implemented with our beatwriters!

Although we enjoy reading about shows you enjoy watching in the morning, and reading about old…or classic movie reviews, we would appreciate if you would focus your writing more on Target Field, and of course the Twins. We would like to strongly encourage you to keep up your great work by writing a season preview of fan favorite Joe Mauer! Remember to explain how Mauer grew up in Saint Paul, was an MVP, batting champ, that he signed on to play for the Twins for many years, oh, and that he plays catcher. Lastly, don't forget to mention that he has side burns and plays at Target Field.

In closing, it is our pleasure to remind you that we have a strong no sarcasm policy for all beatwriters, and appreciate your compliance with this policy.

Best,
President Fat A. Cat

PS: Make sure to remind fans about Giant Sunflower Seeds--the official sunflower of the Minnesota Twins and financer of your column.

Coffee Red Zone!!

If someone would have come up to me this August and said that they would let me watch every football game on Sundays, without any commercials, and that I would not have to change the channel, I would have thought that they were a crook. If that same person told me that it would only coast seven bucks a month, and that I would get the Big Ten Network included in the deal, I would have stomped on their foot, and ran away screaming "HELP IDENTITY THEIF!" That's what watching the news today will do to you--if it is too good to be true, it usually is…except for NFL the Red Zone Channel.

It wasn't a con, at least if it was a con, they haven't wired all my funds overseas yet (deep down, I am still worried). If you don't know, The Red Zone shows every good moment from every Sunday NFL game without commercials. I didn't think it was possible, but when you add up all the down time between snaps, and just how short the actual plays are, you can sweep between games and see everything. Frankly, it’s the most life changing technology I have ever experienced (beating out indoor plumbing and penicillin). I can no longer watch a regular football game anymore, and I can barley stand to watch regular TV anymore either.

I realized today that the only time I watch regular TV is from the moment I wake up (around 5:40--I have little kids) to the moment that I have to get ready for work (around 7ish). At night I could surf through 500 channels and find nothing of interest to watch, however from 6-7am there are at least 6 different things on TV that I really enjoy watching while drinking my morning coffee. (note: I set up the coffee maker right on the shelf by my bed so it would wake me up when the self brew alarm kicks in--it’s the last alarm clock you will ever buy!! [Only 2 easy payments of 19.99]).

Here are the shows I have to choose from: Saved by the Bell, KELO Land News, CNN morning news (remember I am a paranoid adult addicted to the news), The Sopranos, Sports Center, and Mike and Mike. Thankfully, I rarely have to turn to Mike and Mike, because an old married couple bickering about the texture of their dinner's cornbread is more entertaining than listening to Mike and Mike. That still leaves 5 shows that I am very engaged in; shockingly I have found that I can watch all five at once because the commercials all offset each other pretty well. This got me thinking, what if you could make a Red Zone Channel for my morning shows--below is what I think the commentator would sound like from today's morning shows if this Red Zone channel did exist:

(TV turns on by itself at 5:40 when the coffee pot kicks on, there is a countdown going from 1 minute to zero with NFL films music lightly playing in the background. When the clock hits zero, the studio and announcer show up on the screen)

Announcer:
• Good Morning and welcome back to Wake up Red Zone, remember no commercials no channel surfing, lots of story lines to look at today, but we got a few shows kicking off so let's take you live.

• Over on TBS Saved by the bell is just underway, and that music probably sounds familiar, yup…that's Friends Forever, and yes this is the Zack Attack episode, which should provide us today with some great memories, while giving us insight into the recording industry…

• Wait, we want to jump over to CNN, where you're not dreaming, yes those are people riding through Egypt on camels chasing Anderson Cooper, this is the type of action that we bring you day in and day out on Wake Up Red Zone.

• Switch to split screen quick, while the Sopranos are driving. Furrio is on the war path and ready to collect some money for Tony. Some plots in today's show should be the freshly released from prison Richie Apreio, and how he handles life on the outside.

• Jumping over to Sportscenter, where some action might be breaking out…yes, those are two goalies coming out to center line to fight. It's our motto, every goalie fight, every game here on Wake Up Red Zone.

• Over on channel 3 we got the weather about to start let's take a live look in on the 7 day forecast.

• Now this is where Wake up Red Zone really gets great, in the last 2 minutes. At this time we only show the shows that are down to the wire, so let's jump back to the Zack Attack as he just walked out on the band, this one might be a barn burner.

Seriously, this is what I actually watched this morning (I had to flip the channels though) it was great. However, I already miss the NFL Red Zone--what an amazing ride it was.

Free Agent Fan Savage Resigns with Twins!!

In a shocking development, the Minnesota Twins have resigned All Star Fan free agent Tyler Savage. Experts had said that Savage would leave the Twins at the end of this season. All indications pointed to Savage leaving for either the Dodgers or the Royals, Savage had been researching both teams extensively this off season. Savage also was overheard singing California Dreaming much of this winter, and refused to watch The 50 greatest Twins documentary earlier this month.

Here are the details on the new contract; the contract is a five year extension.

· Savage has to acknowledge that Target Field is now the home of the Twins

· All Twins home runs will receive a standing ovation

· Games will now be played with the mute button on

· Food eaten at games will be 1 hot dog and an ice cream helmet

· Savage may not have the following signs: "hey bert, what are you going to whine about now?" and "This place is a dump"

· An ongoing search for "the seats" will begin starting this year

· The Metrodome will not be insulted in Savage's presence

· Savage will no longer laugh at Thome shirts

· The only player designated to receive unconditional respect will be Rodger Dorn (Cuddyer)

· The following additional signs are allowed: "I will have my vengeance" and "Remember Denny Hocking?"

· The memory of Tony Batista will be erased from everyone's minds slowly

· "Why do we still cheer Torii Hunter Day" and "I still love Johann Day" will be pronounced by Savage at a latter unknown time

· Yelling "Free Beer!" will not be rewarded

· "Can I just have the hot dog?" will not be rewarded

· "TWINS WIN!" Will be rewarded

· "You Bum!" will now be the lowest insult at a game

· "No Really…FREE BEER!" will not be rewarded

· "That Ice Cream looks good, can I try some?" will not warrant ice cream

· This column is the official last pot shot at Target Field by Savage, my voice has been heard