By Tyler Savage
On Saturday I watched the Empire Strikes Back for the first time in a year or so. I never realized how ruthless Darth Vader was with the admirals in the Galactic Empire. It really got me thinking...what if Darth Vader managed the Twins? Here is a small picture of what it might look like.
(Note: Twins and Royals, game one, Friday night. Sydney Ponson just gave up a homerun to Mark Grudzielanek in the bottom of the 5th inning to give the Royals the lead. Pitching Coach Rick Anderson is returning to the dugout after talking to Ponson.)
Anderson knew it was not going to be a good exchange when he got back into the dugout, maybe that was why he was walking back so slow. His hands were sweating and the look on Vader’s face was terrifying him. Actually Vader didn’t really have a look on his face, seeing as he was wearing the same expressionless black helmet that he always wore, but it was still scary—even with the Twin’s hat on top of it.
“Ponson blew our cover with his non sinking sinker, the Royals knew that it was coming,” Vader stated as Anderson sat next to him.
“Ponson felt that it was just a bad pitch my lord,” Anderson replied.
“He is as clumsy as he is stupid,” Vader barked, “get me Perkins on the phone, he will now be in charge of this operation!”
As Vader left his seat everyone in the dugout quickly took their eyes off of Ponson. The infield had been holding a meeting at the pitching mound, but it soon broke up with first sight of Vader. Vader was still yards away when Ponson dropped the ball and grabbed his neck. Ponson had already been out of breath from the beating he was taking on the field, and it didn’t take long for him to fall.
Every pitcher in the bullpen was fidgety as they awaited Lord Vader’s pick. A sigh of relief could be heard from all of the right-handers as Vader pointed to his left arm, (but it was rumored that he was more machine now than man). Poor Glen Perkins looked more nervous than the troops on D-Day as he ran to the mound.
The exchange between Vader and Perkins was to the point. “Admiral Ponson is no longer in charge General Perkins,” Vader explained, “you are now in charge, do not fail me.”
As the Imperial March hummed in the background, two ground’s crewmen rushed out to drag Ponson off of the field. This had became a common scene at the Metradome and at ballparks around America; there was even a new feature on Baseball Tonight called “death gems” that featured the ground’s crew’s unique efforts at removing the Twin’s fallen pitchers.
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