Down in Jungleland

By David Jensen

I’m sure some of you, along with myself, have been wondering why the beat writers haven’t been producing much lately. I found out why, and it isn’t pretty. Last week I received a package. It was caked in what I hoped was mud and postmarked Caracas. I opened the box and was horrified by its contents. They were a road map of northern Venezuela, some scorecards, a tattered notebook and what used to be an umpire’s mask. It all meant one of two things; either intern Sam Hansen was kidnapped by radicals, or he was starting a new life with El Chupa Cabre.

Sam was sent to Venezuela last week. He was to scout Jorge DelarossaVillalobos, a young pitcher who could replace Ponson. His primary duty was to be a decoy for Scotty.

When I took out the twisted mask, I saw a note at the bottom of the box. In primitive English, it said that Sam was in the custody of a group which identified itself as The Soldiers of Dave Concepcion. For Sam’s freedom, they demanded $50,000, Concepcion’s induction to the Hall of Fame and Luis Rivas. I called Scotty to see if he had some of the Traveler’s Cheques we gave Sam. If we could get those back, at least it wouldn’t be a total loss. His wife Maria Josefa was hysterical when she answered the phone. She explained that enemies of Enrique had captured Scotty while at the goat auction. Seems their plan was to kidnap a sportswriter and extort the media to prop-up Carlos Zambrano and exaggerate his meager accomplishments even more than they already have. The same plan they’ve executed for the last three years.

Tyler was devastated when I told him we had lost the Traveler’s Cheques. We agreed not to negotiate with the radicals. The nation can not handle more Zambrano hype. Tyler is in Hollywood for his second job as a beat writer and analyst for American Gladiators. He said he couldn’t go to Venezuela because he had to help his cousin Fred Savage get off heroin. I think he was really going to the final episode of The Price is Right. So it was up to me to save Scotty and shield America from an onslaught of Cubs propaganda.

I flew down and met my contacts. One was famed Venezuelan mountain man Jesus DelRio. The locals call him “El Burro del Muerte”. He knows every llama path north of the Amazon and will have no trouble finding the hole these slime are hiding in. The other is Anthony Pantaglione, a captain in the Cambria family of the LeSuer mafia. Once we find the rebel scum, he’d know what to do with them.

After half a day of walking in the jungle, Jesus claimed to know exactly where the radicals were. He said they were hiding in a cave and eating wild boar 100 Km to the southeast. I don’t how he could tell that by eating a handful of mud, but I had no choice but to follow him. We made good time despite the rough terrain. Within a few hours of where we thought they were hiding, we found Scotty by himself. He was fighting a pack of monkeys over some berries.

While we barbequed some monkeys for dinner, Scotty told us how he was freed. Before we could rescue him, Steve Phillips and Jay Mariotti had reached the radicals. They said they would gladly tout Zambrano and tell everyone the Cubs have a chance to win it all until the bitter end. In exchange, the radicals must send them fan mail and call ESPN and newspapers across the country, telling them what great journalists Steve and Jay are. These South American mountain men who can barely read are by a wide margin the most highly educated people to compliment Steve and Jay’s journalism skills. Now that millions would be brainwashed about Zambrano’s abilities, they released Scotty to find his own way back.

Scotty is happy to be back with his family. He said he would continue writing as soon as he regained his strength. On a side note, TBW is looking for a new intern. If you are interested, send your resume to:

Tyler Savage

C/O Fred Savage

Hollywood, CA